Catchin Up - Yet Again

It just ain't pretty in here tonight. I just feel so overwhelmed and it feels like too much to write out. But keeping everything in sucks, too.

Last Friday, we went to Jen's for her birthday. She looked great and I was so happy to see her motoring around. She was doing great - tired but great.

We've texted back and forth this week a couple of times. Today she called me at work to let me know that she was getting a bone marrow biopsy today. She said that her blood count dropped and it could be that the chemo just destroyed all her marrow and it needs more time, or that the leukemia is back. She's terrified, her mom's a mess and I'm worried, too. She said that she was feeling so great this week aside from being tired. She can't believe that it's possible that it's back. I hope it's not. She said, "I can't do this again." And I was thinking the same damn thing. She also said that if the leukemia is back that she'll need a transplant. Fuck. That shit is nothing to mess with. They basically kill you with radiation and chemo and then you have to raise yourself up from the dead. Nice. I think it'll be a few days before she knows the results. The first one she had was done on Friday and the results were back on Monday. I just want some fucking answers. It can't be back. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve any of the shit that's happened to her in the last 1-1/2 years. I just want so much for her to get her life back. Or a life back. I'm scared and sad and I don't want to have to wait any more for results.

In other news, my boss's wife just found out that the radiation used to treat her Hodgkins lymphoma 12 years ago caused a malignant tumor in her thyroid. And she has 6-12 months. Nice. Two people can't have cancer this week. Rita's got it. Jen just has to be off the hook.

On the good news front, our neighbor just got back from Afghanistan. He's been there since November. Boo called me at work this morning and told me that he was back. When I came home from work, their yard was plastered with flags. It was awesome. I'm so happy he's home. I want to plaster our yard with flags, too. The best part of the whole thing is that we are the only neighbors that new he was gone. heh

I joined facebook yesterday. It's a time suck. I'm debating on the twitter thing. I'm just afraid that I'll never get anything done. hehe

Let's see - what else. I've actually had to work at work for the last two months. It really sucks. It cuts into my surfing time. I hate it. I wish I could figure out a way to get paid for dicking around on the computer all day.

Boo was thisclose to getting a job on the inside in the last couple of weeks. As soon as he mentioned it, I freaked out. Yes, it would be more money, but it would also be more hours. He said that I could quit my job and stay home, but I wouldn't. Because his insurance would suck and since mine is kick ass and I don't have to pay anything for it, it would be stupid to give that up. So, essentially, everything I thought I wanted (him on the inside and me staying home) isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Two weeks ago, I thought I was pregnant. I had a 33 day cycle and no clear ovulation since I gave up temping. I tested at day 32 and it was negative. The next day, I got my period. I had really mixed feelings about it. And I'm still not sure what I want either way.

Joan and I spent this week's appointment talking about sleeping. And how I can't do it. Dr H gave me a prescription for A*mbien, but I haven't taken it. And I don't know if I will. I've heard a lot of horror stories. Anyway, what it boils down to is that I've always had sleep issues. When I was little, I remember feeling like I had to wait for my brother (who's nine years older) to get home before I could go to sleep. He would come home late (like after any little kid should be asleep) and make a ton of noise and stomp around the house and then finally go to bed. So I would end up either staying up, or getting woken up and then not being able to go back to sleep. Plus, I realize now, that I didn't feel safe whenever he was around. Because he was allowed to do whatever he wanted to me and there were no consequences. Joan asked me if I ever told my mom about it. I said that I had and that she told me that there was nothing she could do. I'm sorry, but fuck that. You're the parent. Stand up for your kid. It's too bad that I felt like I had to handle shit all by myself by the time I was in 3rd grade. Nice. And she continually questioned me and made me feel bad when I was the best kid a parent could possibly ask for. Man, that pisses me off. Joan pointed out that it's not that she didn't love me, it's just that she was dealing with her own stuff and her own anxiety made it impossible for her to handle the situation in a realistic way. Yeah, that's all well and good, but it's still fucked up. It is nice to be able to pinpoint my lifelong sleep issues to my experiences growing up. But it doesn't make it go away. She gave me some stuff to practice when I'm freaking out about sleep and she said that it is possible to unlearn the patterns that I had to learn to survive.

My mother called me at work today. It started out as a neutral conversation, but then dissolved into how I could call her once in a while or come over. And how we need to go out for dinner sometime. Yeah, blame me. I'm sorry, but I've had probably the worst summer of my life (it even tops the summer of 1991 - which also sucked balls in large part due to her) and I just don't have the energy to deal with anything that's going to make me feel even more like shit.

What else, what else? Secretly, my niece is crushing on this super cute med student in Grand Rapids. She's going to visit him for the weekend in a couple of weeks. She hasn't told my mom. She said she didn't want to get hassled about it. I told her that that was a wise decision and that my lips were sealed. I can't believe what a cool person she is. She's so grown up. I'm so proud of her. Her parents suck, and she rocks in spite of it.

Boo's good. The kids are good. I don't know what I would've done without them this summer. Oh, when we were at Jen's party, we were talking about the kids. And this one little girl (the only kid at the party) asked me why I didn't bring my kids. Jen explained that my kids were animals and she was sooo disappointed. I guess she was looking for someone to hang out with.

I guess that's all I've got. Oh, except I've lost 8 pounds this summer. Yay me!